T: Hey J, I got an idea for a great show.
J: tv show?
T: Yeah. Jersey Shore vs. Duck Dynasty in a battle to the death. The winners get to fuck the Kardashians, the losers have to go fuck the Honey Boo Boos.
J: Won’t the losers be dead?
T: Oh, right.
J: Honey Boo Boo is going to have to go fuck herself.
T: That poor kid. That poor, poor little diabetic coma-waiting-to-happen kid. That poor, she probably already has three step sister nephew-children kid.
J: She probably weighs 450 pounds too.
T: “How do you solve a problem like Honey Boo Boo?
J: “Here Comes Honey Moo Moo”
T: Her husband is a crane operator. How funny is that?
J: Do you mean ironic?
T: Well, it better be ironic.
J: No kidding – a wooden crane ain’t lifting that mountain.
J: You can’t make this stuff up:
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (WKRC) – A Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on a gun in the driver’s seat in his car. Several media outlets report that the man ran into his girlfriend’s house after the gun discharged.
T: I’m impressed, to be honest. He hit such a small target.
J: Florida Man strikes again.
T: Did he have health care?
J: This might be the ultimate Florida Man story:
Man catches penis in swimming pool suction fitting.
T: Yaknow, I never really thought of Florida as a redneck state until recently. I always thought of it as a giant Miami.
J: There’s two things about this next one.. it’s on the website of Fairleigh Dickinson… and the study was obviously done at the wrong place… should’ve been USC, they’re the Trojans.
T: I’m not reading anything in APA style; gimme the upshot. What’s the rub?
So to speak.
J: It’s a study on condom usage among college students.
T: What’s Farleigh Dickinson’s mascot, the diaphragm?
J: Fairly Dickinsome.
T: That’s about a third grade level joke.
J: And my mother said I’d never grow up.
T: That’s a legitimate threat when she’s holding a meat cleaver.
J: Naw, I could always outrun her. She could still hit into her 40s, but she lost her legs early.
T: You see Dance Mom’s new show, Salad Tossing Moms?
The Peanut Gallery