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Shorties: The 2018 Gallery of Renown Ballot

December 19, 2018 Leave a comment

Rick Ankiel, 0.1. Players with at least 40 home runs and 40 games pitched: Babe Ruth (714, 163) Rick Ankiel (76, 51) Johnny Lindell (72, 55) George Van Haltren (69, 93) Cy Seymour (52, 141) Ruth (93), Seymour (61) and Van Haltren (40) each won at least 40 games; Ankiel won 13. Ruth is the only pitcher to start a postseason game who had more career home runs than Ankiel. Lance Berkman, 0.8. What were the most dramatic singles in baseball history? Merkle’s boner play comes to mind off the top of my head, but I’m sure there have been others that…

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Slack Chat: Seven Words a Bleeping

Warning — this is an almost gleefully filthy slack chat. So don’t say we didn’t warn you.

*****

T: Hey J, what were Carlin’s seven dirty words?

J: George Carlin’s seven were shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. That would have an effect on my vocabulary.

T: Yeah, it would cut it by about a third.

J: Not to mention shortening these chats significantly.

Plus no squirrel pics.

T: Are the Carlin’s Seven still in effect?

J: I think the …

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The Latest Writer Content

Shorties: The 2018 Gallery of Renown Ballot

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The biggest obstacle to the public understanding climate change is that global warming gets all of the attention. The warming aspect is just one aspect of the larger picture. I am not the most qualified climate change analyst, so take...

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J: Hey T, did you see that Trump's property-tax lawyer got raided by the feds? I'd have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that one. T: Ooh, when was that? J: It just popped up; it’s...

Slack Chat: Shave and a Johnson Cut

T: Hey J, did you get to Barnes &Noble yet? J: Not yet, probably tomorrow. T: I can't imagine you out there slogging through the Black Friday crowds, but you are married. J: I'm just married, not stupid. T: I've been...

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Slack Chat: Fuelings … nothing more than Fuelings

T: Hey J, did you know “llamba growing” is an anagram for “global warming”? J: That doesn't make any sense. What's a llamba? T: I'd tell you, but it would offend the Twitter-verse. J: Why would that stop you? T:...

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In My Next Life — Gary Fletcher

When I’m reincarnated,
armed with all my lessons,
and I cannot be pierced,
I will take the lonely highways
and the crowded marketplaces,
I will learn to play an instrument
and learn another language,
and I won’t share anything except my blueness…

Some may think they understand me
even though they do not know me,
and even if they hold me
or even want to scold me
for I recall
the chickens squawking
and the axes chopping
the crowds inside of cars
trudging on the freeway
mostly listening to music
while I gaze about astonished
at all these odd constructions
of things that no one really understands

and I can’t share anything except confusion
and submission and acceptance
and wondering what’s for dinner.

Slack Chat: Fuelings .. nothing more than Fuelings

T: Hey J, did you know “llamba growing” is an anagram for “global warming”?

J: That doesn’t make any sense. What’s a llamba?

T: I’d tell you, but it would offend the Twitter-verse.

J: Why would that stop you?

T: You are right; the Twitter-verse is to being offended what Beeker is to nervous lab assistants.

J: Got one for climate change?

T: Um ….

How about “tea chime clang”?

J: That sounds like a rap group I’m about to characterize with a wildly racist stereotype.

T: I dare you.

J: No way. I get enough GOP junk mail as it is.

T: That wasn’t racist.

J: No, but it was …

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About the Slack Chats

The slack chats are the brainchild of yammering subversives Johnny “Cake” Hunter and Terry “Insert Nickname Here” Vent. It was inevitable that they would combine their two favorite things — yammering and slacking — into an art form. Plus they stole the idea from Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight.

These guys have been off the grid for decades. I assumed they were still traveling the Pacific Rim, trading inflatable Strom Thurmond dolls to the natives for Polynesian weed, but a cursory google search found them hiding in the witness protection program, where they had been since they testified in the infamous “we can’t believe it’s not butter” truth in advertising scandal that took down Orville Redenbacher.

I think one’s in a cult and the other one sells insurance, but I can never remember which one of these jokers sold his soul to an evil demagogue and which one sells flowers at the airport. They call themselves radical centrists, which (I think) means they hate everybody.

Their voting record is all over the map. Both have, at times, cast ballots for chronic losers in the major parties, third parties and once (allegedly) for a Care Bear. Neither one of them voted for Trump, but they think Ivanka is super hot.

Enjoy the madness.

Regards,

D.B. Cooper (shhh … )

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Shorties: The 2018 Gallery of Renown Ballot

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Shorties: The 2018 Gallery of Renown Ballot

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