32 (30)- Miami Dolphins (0-1): Only because there ain’t a 33. I don’t know if 0-16 is in play, but it isn’t out of play.
31 (25)- Oakland Raiders (0-1): It’s really weird to see football played on a baseball diamond. How many NFL teams still do this? In the 1970s half the league did, but there aren’t more than a couple left, are there?
30 (32)- St. Louis Rams (0-1): They put a scare into a pretty good Detroit team on the road… it’s not insane to think that they might have a playoff caliber defense to go with their pony league caliber offense.
29 (29)- Cleveland Browns (0-1): It’s never a good sign when your quarterback gets sacked by a giant flag before the game.
28 (31)- Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1): It doesn’t take great teams to play a great game, does it? Jags/Vikings might have been the most entertaining game of week one.
27 (27)- Indianapolis Colts (0-1): Luck will have better games, and honestly he wasn’t all that bad in this game. He just got sloppy with the ball against an athletic defense, and they didn’t drop the interceptions. He’ll figure it out, and he’ll be terrific.
26 (28)- Minnesota Vikings (1-0): Not that I care, but isn’t it weird that a player comes back several months earlier from an injury than anyone ever has, is famous for insane feats of strength, has something like minus five percent body fat, and every talking head in the country genuflects? Give him a baseball glove and he’d spend the rest of the year peeing in a bottle and being ridiculed.
25 (17)- Tennessee Titans (0-1): CJ2K is now CJ2C, and that’s being nice. He’s on pace for 176 carries, 64 yards. Vince Wilfork, the Pats’ 350 pound run stuffer, caught him from behind on one play. If that’s real, and not a single game fluke, the Titans are in trouble.
24 (15)- Buffalo Bills (0-1): If Fitzpatrick plays like that again, he has to be replaced. He was absolutely brutal, and the principle reason for the Jets’ explosion. He was that bad for the second half of last year, too, but he was excused because of a rib injury. He doesn’t have that excuse now.
23 (24)- San Diego Chargers (1-0): Phillip Rivers has been remarkably durable over his career, he has the Peyton Manning “avoid getting hit hard” gene – but it’s going to be a miracle if he survives the year behind that sieve of an o-line.
22 (7)- Philadelphia Eagles (1-0): If they play like that all year, they will finish 3-13. What a miserable performance, by a miserable, whining team. Hey Vick. Quit fake-pulling flags, and fake act like an NFL quarterback, huh? This whole team needs to wear a diaper.
21 (21)- Seattle Seahawks (0-1): Did anyone think Wilson would be great right off the bat? Um, well…. I kinda did…. Give the kid time, he’ll be fine.
20 (22)- Arizona Cardinals (1-0): Very little about this team is average, but they are probably the most likely team in the NFL to go 8-8 this year.
19 (19)- Carolina Panthers (0-1): The Panthers’ offensive game plan got its lunch money stolen, and I kinda think they took the Bucs lightly. Oops.
18 (18)- Kansas City Chiefs (0-1): They were missing 6 defensive starters last week, so they deserve a mulligan. I liked what they were doing offensively, but they aren’t built to come from behind. They need their defense back at full strength, or close to it.
17 (12)- Cincinnati Bengals (0-1): Hopefully someone got the license plate number off that truck…
16 (20)- Dallas Cowboys (1-0): Nothing in life is more predictable than the media overreaction to the first game of the NFL season. The Cowboys didn’t raise their expectations for the season by more than maybe a half a game, but you’d think they were printing Super Bowl tickets.
15 (13)- Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1): Watching them on offense is like watching paint dry. Roethlisberger and the receiving corps are terrific, but the rest of that offense is terrible.
14 (23)- Washington Redskins (1-0): Holy Sh…
13 (26)- New York Jets (1-0): I’d bet on Charlie Manson getting paroled and winning Dancing With the Stars before I’d bet on the Jets scoring 48 points again, but I was impressed as hell by their offensive creativity.
12 (16)- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0): Gerald McCoy might have been the week one NFL MVP, and I would personally call him the biggest difference maker in the league. He’s been knocked out for the year early in both of his NFL seasons, but in both cases the injury was a fluke. If he can stay healthy, the Bucs can make the playoffs.
11 (8)- Detroit Lions (1-0): Stafford should take that first half out to the slums and bury it.
10 (14)- Chicago Bears (1-0): Cutler is still Cutler, the master of the needle threading thirty yards downfield touchdown as well as the “what the hell just happened?” interception. He had both last week.
9 (10)- New York Giants (0-1): They started 0-2 last year, and won the Super Bowl.
8 (5)- New Orleans Saints (0-1): They could be in some trouble, if that’s how their defense is going to play. Breese tends to force things when he’s behind, and make sloppy mistakes.
7 (11)- Denver Broncos (1-0): It took nearly three quarters to wrest the football away from the selfish, recalcitrant two year old that is the Steeler offense, but once Peyton got ahold of it everything reverted to normal.
6 (9)- Atlanta Falcons (1-0): 40 points is 40 points, but let’s see it against a healthy defense. Michael Turner looks even more cooked than he did last year, but Julio Jones is uncoverable.
5 (3)- Houston Texans (1-0): Beating Miami is only slightly less meaningless than winning a game of rock-paper-scissors, but it’s a good sign that AJ and Shaub are healthy and producing.
4 (1)- Green Bay Packers (0-1): If you play fantasy football, see if you can get ahold of Randall Cobb. He might be one of the five most talented wideouts in the game, and he has Rodgers throwing to him.
3 (4)- San Francisco 49ers (1-0): Before we crown their defense with the ’85 Bears, lets find out if the Packers’ offense is actually as good as it was last year. The 49ers actually have wide receivers now, and the defense is at least very good if not special.
2 (6)- Baltimore Ravens (1-0): For my money the most impressive win of the week, even over the 49ers. Can you say Harbaugh family reunion at the Super Bowl? They both missed by a single play last year.
1 (2)- New England Patriots (1-0): Offense bla bla bla…. Keep an eye out for their defense this year. I think it might be the most improved in the league. Their second string could beat Miami by 20 points.