San Antonio

Vincent Powell, 29: Chubby bald black returning contestant, first one up. Apparently he’s the one who was sleeping in Adam Brock’s colon last year. Phat Gokey thought it was a woman, but I’m pretty sure it was this guy. He can sing, and it’s a good sign that they aired his audition. I’d say 50-50 to make the top 40, and a decent shot at the tour unless another, cuter version of his style beats him out again. Oh wait, last year he got beat by an annoying white guy who was even chubbier. Never mind.

Savannah Votion, 24: Single mom with a tube top, hip huggers, f*** me pumps, several gaudy rings on her finger, one gaudy ring in her belly button, five pounds of pancake makeup and (according to Idol) a Heart A’ Gold: I don’t mean to be crass, but was I the only one who thought of Casey Anthony? She can sing, though. Sleeper, assuming she doesn’t have any active warrants out there.

Christabel Clack, 29: Mother of three. Nice story, but no prospect; not enough polish or vocal strength.

Ann Difani, 23: Arkansas Football game, Randy came and got her. No prospect, no range.

Victoria Acosta, 20: Mariachi singer. Wow… I’m not sure she’ll be great on the show, singing in her second musical language, but she is probably done singing on boats for fifty bucks a trip. I don’t mean to be shallow (I’m lying) but wow…

Papa Peachez, 19: He’s way too weird for Idol, but I kinda like his voice in a ‘David Bowie on lithium being strangled by Mick Jagger’ sort of way.

Sanni M’Mairura, 16: Dancing Michael Jackson kid. I was sold by the dancing…. then he came in and ripped off a couple of modal vocal runs that veteran symphony musicians would struggle with. He is sixteen frigging years old. Standout number seven. This could be one of those special moments for the show when they look back on it a few years from now; this kid has a chance to be HUGE.

Adam Sanders, 19: Fatter, gayer Adam Lambert: Ridiculous. Amazing. I. Am. Floored. Standout number eight.

Aside: This is my fifth year doing these recaps, and that’s the first time I ever predicted back to back standouts. I feel so dirty…