Here are the ladies, ranked based on how I like their chances, with my own feeble attempts to explain what they sound like tossed in to keep them from sticking together:
40- Zoanette Johnson, 19: An air raid siren being beat on with a baseball bat.
39- Brady Hotard, 25: If Reba McEntire and Tanya Tucker were shot into space….. Well, I still wouldn’t have any idea who she sounds like, but at least they wouldn’t have to listen to her.
38- Breanna Steer, 18: She wants to be Whitney Houston when she grows up; hopefully the singer, not the crack head.
37- Ashley Smith, 22: She’s an imitator, so she’ll sound like whoever’s song she is singing.
36- Taisha Bethea, 21: Amy Lee… -ish.
35- Christabel Clack, 29: Doesn’t matter, we’ve probably seen the last of her on the show.
34- Brandy Hamilton, 25: Aretha Franklin holding a jackhammer?
33- Ann Difani, 23: Like she spent the last several years doing “Godspell”.
32- Mariah Pulice, 19– Hillary Scott (Lady Antebellum).
31- Christina Isabelle Pasqualone, 21– If Tricia Yearwood and Garth Brooks have a girl (Have they had any kids? I’m out of the loop), this is what she’ll sound like – and probably look like too.
30- Summer Cunningham, 20: She sounds like Shelley West, and she probably has no idea who Shelley West is.
29- Seretha Guinn, 26: Alicia Keys is what she is aiming for.
28- Na’Chelle Fullins-Lovell, 19: Minny Riperton being squeezed out of a sausage tube.
27- MacKenzie Wasner, 17– Dolly Parton.
26- Courtney Williams, 18- Does Rosie Perez sing?
25- Maddie Assel, 17: Laura Branigan, if she was strapped into one of those butt jiggling machines they used in the 1950s to lose weight.
24- Halie Hilburn, 27: Sara Evans when she opens her mouth, Doctor Ruth when she doesn’t.
23- Savannah Votion, 24: Before Idol, all her published stuff was Tejano styled, performed in Spanish. The only song I’ve heard her do in English is her audition song. She does that one really well.
22- Victoria Acosta, 20: She has virtually no distinguishing characteristics to her voice; it’s pleasant, but generic.
21- Michelle Montezeri, 19: At the junction of Jewel and Amy Lee, heading Amy’s direction.
20- Isabel Gonzalez, 16: She hasn’t developed a style yet. She sounds like a talented teenager at a recital.
19- Ashlee Feliciano, 20: Early Alicia Keys, before she lost her top range.
18- Tenna Torres, 28: She imitates, so it depends on the song.
17-Stephanie Schimel, 21: “Well, if they dug up Anna Nicole Smith, took out her implants and made her lose a hundred pounds, taught her how to play the ukelele… Oh wait, what she sounds like?”
16- Angela Miller, 18: Amy Lee had a kid with Kenny, the page from 30 Rock? I don’t know…
15-Kiara Lanier, 21: Her audition was so sedate, Kiara was so held in, that I can’t say who she sounded like. When she opens up her throat and lets it go, she can knock birds out of the sky like Whitney.
14- Isabelle Parell, 15: Norah Jones.
13- Haley Davis, 26: Name a modern country singer who doesn’t sound like she’s been in the barn since she was three years old…. Tricia Yearwood, somebody like that.
12- Sarina-Joi Crowe, 17: She sounds a little like Macy Gray, but she ain’t nearly as weird. As far as we know.
11- Ja’Bria Barber, 16: She sounds just like Lil Rounds did… sweet and syrupy, with a little head bobbing homegirl in the overtones. It didn’t go well for Lil, she imploded, but she had three kids to deal with while she was playing dress up and singing Karaoke for Fox.
10- Janelle Arthur, 22: Apparently Ned Beatty had a daughter. If you don’t get the reference, ask someone old enough to have seen “Deliverance”.
9- Jesaiah Baer, 16: She’s been singing the National Anthem since she was three feet tall, mostly because she sounded like a care bear full of helium until she hit puberty about a half hour ago. The helium is still there, but now it has a smoky undertone and jazzy frosting.
8- Briana Oakley, 16: Somewhere between Natalie Cole, Dolly Parton, and a goat.
7- Sarah Restuccio, 17– She sings like Linda Ronstadt; unfortunately, she raps like Linda Ronstadt.
6- Rachel Hale, 21: Crystal Bowersox.
5- Brandy Neelly, 17: Carrie Underwood; not nearly as polished but an even more powerful instrument. She’s past howitzer, well in bazooka territory.
4- Schubha Vedula, 17: Whoever she sounds like, they are really good. She has elements of several iconic singers, but I don’t know if she really sounds like any of them individually.
3- Shira Gavrielov, 23: Stylistically she’s an Amy Winehouse spin-off, sort of a cross between Didi Benami and Haley Reinhart; Pronounces her words like Didi, jazzes it up like Haley. English isn’t her first language, and it might not be her second one, either. She lives in Israel, pretty much an hour from the birth place of every root language.
2- Candice Glover, 22: She models her tone after Whitney, but her free, easy manner reminds me more of Gladys Knight.
1-Megan Miller, 22: No way around it… she sounds like Carrie Underwood; even more than Brandy, who I originally thought was going to get all the Carrie comparisons.
Idol’s official website has “Road to Hollywood” interviews for 277 Golden Ticket holders, so there you go. They sent 277 to Hollywood, down a bit from last year but still quite a few more than Simon would ever allow. How’s his crappy show doing, by the way?
