T: I just watched Jurassic World. There is no way in hell I’m riding a dinosaur, I don’t care how friendly it looks.
J: You’ve seen one Jurassic movie, you’re pretty much seen them all.
T: Yep. Dinosaur meets girl, dinosaur eats girl.
J: And not in a good way.
T: Nope, although there was one scene that looked like it might be heading that way, she started shooting at a rapter and, well – eat eat eat.
J: They might as well have called it Jurassic Pork.
T: Have you ever noticed that the hot chicks in action films always start out dressed like Cossacks? First look their hair is in buns and they are wearing baggy, figure-obscuring pants, a jacket three sizes to big and horn rim glasses. They undress gradually as the movie goes on .. their hair comes down on their shoulders and then gradually gets more and more mussed up, until at the end they are all heaving breasts, clothes torn to hell, one skintight pantsleg ripped all the way up to the hip and a monstrous head of hair flowing everywhere but in front of their eyes, which are on fire. The freshly fucked-with look.
J: Yeah, they all have to have the perfectly coiffed wild jungle hair.
J: You wanna riff on action film tropes? Ok, let’s talk Action Film Tropes.
The villain always has to make a windy speech to the hero explaining his evil plan. And there has to be a Comical Sidekick or the Token Ethnic Guy. Or both. If the comical sidekick is the token ethnic guy, he has to be paired with the token neanderthal white guy with the 19 inch neck, wearing a sport jacket two sizes too small.
The token ethnic guy always gets it first, unless he’s the comical sidekick. In that case, he just gets beat up a lot.
T: Nowadays the token ethnic guy gets to live, as long as he is saved by a white guy. In Jurassic World, the Wwite guy saved the ethnic guy, but the ethnic guy gave him a cool salute, you know – to show that he was worth saving.
But the fat guy, he got eaten. The fat guy always gets eaten. If there are two fat guys, they find a way to get ’em both eaten. We should make a movie where the fat guys eat each other.
J: The movie always starts with a minor character no one cares about getting killed/eaten.
T: That was one of the cool things about “Scream.” They started right off with Drew Barrymore. Nobody believed she was gonna get snuffed.
J: She’s too good an actress to get snuffed early in the film. Didn’t save her though.
T: Yup. She got cut up like a bologna loaf in a lawn mower.
J: I hear people applauded when Paris Hilton got it in “House of Wax.”
T: Oh, I’ve seen that, I think – she got a ten-foot piece of rebar jammed through her head? That one?
J: Yeah … I would have cheered too.
T: Is Paris Hilton basically a vacuous blonde bimbo version of Trump?
J: She has a tremendous talent for self-promotion, just like Trump.
Or she did anyway, she sank faster than a torpedoed rowboat. No one talks about her anymore.
T: President Hilton. Hail to the bimbo.
And Nicole Richie as Vice President.
J: She is as qualified as Trump.
T: A dead wombat is as qualified as Trump.
J: No, wombats live in Australia, so they aren’t native-born, so not qualified… if you want to go marsupial, a dead possum would be the way to go.
T: Plus wombats don’t live 35 years.
J: You’d have to do the dog years conversion thing.
T: Wombat years? Is that a thing?
J: Sure, why not? I read about it in Dundee Weekly .
They have about the same life span as dogs – 15 in the wild, 20 in captivity.
T: And about 12 minutes in a Disney feature.
There ain’t that many adopt-a-wombat movements buying Super Bowl commercials these days.
J: No … Purina Wombat Chow isn’t a big seller either.
T: Actually it is in Australia … it tastes like a mix of Vegemite and Underwood deviled ham.
J: Well, who wouldn’t want to eat that?
T: Have you ever had Vegemite? You take a bottle of cooking oil and a jar of peanut butter… toss the peanut butter out and drink the oil. But think about the peanut butter while you drink it.
J: A dead possum is as qualified as Trump.
T: Plus they make good door stops.