Warning: the following slack chat is almost gleefully filthy, so make sure you are wearing a condom.
T: Hey J, what were Carlin’s seven dirty words?
J: George Carlin’s seven were shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. That would have an effect on my vocabulary.
T: Yeah, it would cut it by about a third.
J: Not to mention shortening these chats significantly.
Plus no squirrel pics.
T: Are the Carlin’s Seven still in effect?
J: I think the seven – if there are still seven – have changed.
T: I’d drop shit, piss and maybe tits. You hear all three on network TV these days, though most shows use boobs, a word they said on I Love Lucy.
There’s one obvious add (starts with n), but I’m not sure if there is a second obvious one, let alone a third that could knock tits off the list.
J: I think piss is off, probably tits too. Cunt is the obvious add… drop piss, add cunt.
T: The world’s worst fruitcake recipe.
T: I didn’t say to make it.
J: Julia Child just threw up in her grave.
T: Context often matters more than the words themselves. You can say fuck when you are scared in a PG-13 movie, but you can’t say it in anger. Or in lust; saying fuck when you mean coitus is reserved exclusively for 17-and-up crowds.
J: Nobody gets free fucking.
T: Except in the drive-through.
J: Right – it’s always free there.
T: Except in the movies.
J: I think the rule is two F’s equals one R, movie ratings-wise.
T: A lot of writers go by that same standard. They get to say fuck once in the entire book, so they pick the spot. It’s like you get one lobster a year. When are you going to get it? Birthday? Anniversary? Random day when you boss yelled at you?
J: God, I could never write a book, I’d average about three fucks a page.
T: Oh, eventually the Viagra would wear off.
J: If your erection lasts longer than it took you to write the Lord of the Rings trilogy, see a doctor.
T: Preferably not Dr. Oz.
J: Oh, ba DUM. Pish.
T: I coulda gone with Dr. Spock, got a double-header pun in there. So to speak
J: A triple-header pun! I’d say well done, but we both know you’re going to hell for it.
T: Hell – the punster capital of the underworld. The Devil is that guy who wrote Bullwinkle.
J: Ward … um – Jay Ward.
T: That’s the son of a bitch.
J: Are you still bitter about the flying squirrel incident?
T: I can’t have one tree to myself?
J: You know that stuff’s biodegradable.
T: So is water. Talk to the wicked witch about Dorothy spunking all over her face.
T: It’s a metaphor.
J: For what?
T: Never mind – what were we talking about?
T: Oh, right. I wouldn’t want to ruin that discussion by talking about anything dirty.
J: You can say “shit” all you want, as long as you’re not referring to actual excrement.
T: You can say shit to represent stuff – “hey, leave my shit alone” or as a mild epitaph – “shit, I just soiled myself” – but not to describe fecal matter (“crap, I just shit myself.”).
Also, crap is fine as a noun, but it can’t be used as a verb to describe the act of crapping.
J: What if you do it in the John?
T: John C. Crapper … hey – HEY! Is that where the C word came from?
J: No, his middle name is a different c-word.
T: I thought I was onto something there for a minute. Well, crap.
J: Joe Schultz was a genius. (editor’s note: google him; we’re busy.)
T: Piss – I think it’s ok in the past, and sometimes in the future, but never in the present. Unless it’s used as a replacement for anger.
J: You can say piss if you are a cowboy, but not if you are into golden showers.
T: Cunt, nigger, fag.
T: No, I didn- never mind. Are those the new Big Three? The New big three?
J: They might be. Fag was everywhere ten years ago, but nowadays you can’t even ask for a British smoke.
T: So what are the seven dirtiest words in politics? Are they the ones the CDC banned from their grant applications?
J: Medicare cuts. Social Security cuts.
T: Those aren’t words. Those are phrases.
J: Anyone who uses those will be referred to as “former congressman” shortly after.
T: Top five are Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump and Grabdapussy, so I suppose that’s not the best way to look at it. How about the seven dirtiest words of 2017?
T: Words that incited the most passionate anger among the public?
T: Trump is number one, but what are the other six?
J: Pedophile. Antifa.
T: Nazi, pedophile, Antifa, Alt+right. Liberal is close.
If you are a Nazi Antifa liberal pedophile, I doubt they’ll let you speak at Berkeley.
T: There you go. Neo-Nazi, pedophile, Antifa, Snowflake, Alt+right, Libtard?
Pedophile is an all-purpose dirty word.
.J: Fascist. Bernie-bros.
T: Fascist is good … but sort of lumps with Neo-Nazi, doesn’t it?
J: Well, “snowflake” and “libtard” are kind of the same thing, too.
What about ammosexual?
T: What is that? Somebody who gets sexually aroused by their guns?
J: Works for me.
T: If a duck barks, shoot it and make it go get it.
T: Sorry, thought I had something there. So – Neo-Nazi, Fascist, Antifa, Snoflake, Libtard … how about shemale? Or tranny?
J: Yeah, tranny should be in there. Feminazi?
T: I think that’s an older one, too, like tranny and shemale. Which one is the current version?
J: Transgender is the current usage. Feminazi, SJW (social-justice warrior), patriarchy.
T: Plus, is there a bathroom-related insult?
J: I’d go with tranny, more au courant.
T: People who say au courant should be a dirty word.
J: Va te faire foutre.
T: Did you just ask me to the fair?
T: I don’t know that tranny is that current, though. I think shemale might be more current. Tranny used to be used when people still thought there were hermaphrodites everywhere. It used to mean dual-gendered. Shemale is a guy with fake tits.
J: I remember hearing “shemale” when I lived out there, 20 years ago.
T: I think they might both be older, like recent, but not this year recent.
J: they’re both older terms. I don’t know the current preferred insult.
T: Tranny’s been around for a while for sure; we used it in the Navy for crossdressers.
Shemale was used like “girly boy,” but that was more for an effeminate guy than for a guy with actual tits.
J: I sense a Crocodile Dundee test. Did you guys have a squeeze test for wanna-be Sheilas?
T: Don’t ask, don’t tell.
J: You played that card awfully fast.
T: Moving on … the term shemale has a more specific definition now, I think. Tranny is short for transgender, but I think it was used for what we think of as shemales now – guys who get fake boobs but still have their penises.
If you have your penis removed and replaced with a makeshift vagina, you are – what? Do they even do that anymore? Is that a trans-sexual? I remember that term.
Anyone reading this knows what a couple of old bubbas we are by now, don’t they? I mean, we don’t know shit about this subject.
J: Nope. We are strictly men’s room attendants. So to speak.
T: Don’t drink the blue stuff. Rookie mistake.
J: I still don’t know what that stuff was. Wasn’t it mouthwash?
T: They sterilized combs in mouthwash?
J: We really don’t know what we are talking about.
T: Shh … like we ever do.
J: Good point.
T: So what do we know?
J: Well, I knew a surgeon who said he could make a penis into a vagina that a gynecologist wouldn’t be able to tell wasn’t real.
T: Because if it’s just a dude in drag, the terms are interchangeable. Right?
J: Transsexual is the term for someone who’s had the operation. So I guess the terms are interchangeable.
T: Transgender means the dick is still there?
J: Yes. Transgender is pre-operation.
T: And they want to use the women’s restroom?
T: Why? Do they need tampons or something?
T: Then go use the fucking boy’s room. The humans with penises room. It’s not a sexing place, it’s a crapping place. If you have a penis, use the urinals. I don’t get it.
J: Fucking snowflakes.
T: If snowflakes fuck, why aren’t any of them the same?
J: Bad genetics.
T: You played that fast.
J: Don’t ask, don’t tell.
T: I don’t know wh- never mind. We are going to have to strike all of this, by the way.
J: Oh yeah, none of this is going on the site.
T: We still need two more 2017 insults. What do we call stupid people these days? Trump voters? Isn’t there a nickname for them?
J: Shh …
T: I guess Snowflake and Nazi are the main ones.
J: Yeah, those are the ones that have been all over.
T: I should just dump the last 800 words and end with hookers. As usual.
J: Hookers always make for a happy ending.
T: And – scene.
1 thought on “Seven Words-a-Bleeping”
Robert Crumb sent some of his early cartoons to a local paper (in Cleveland?). They told him they loved them, but they wouldn’t publish them because they were afraid of going to jail.
That’s what I thought about while reading this latest slack chat.
Oh, this bit:
T: If a duck barks, shoot it and make it go get it.
I got this; it’s all about a Hound Dog / Duck cross species, right?