Month: January 2018

Slack Chat: There’s more than one way to skin a donkey

J: So the government is shut down… what does it mean to the man on the street?

T: Nothing. It never means anything unless it goes on for a long time. And it won’t.

J: Do Social Security checks go out if the government is shut down?

T: Yes.

Essential services … I could be wrong, but the only thing it means is that a bunch of clerks get furloughed, and you can’t get into the national parks.

J: And the trains don’t run on time.

T: Yeah, that’s a huge hardship in Spokane, where we all take the train to work.

J: Well, sarcasm aside, that’s a huge pain in the ass here in the Northeast Corridor.

T: Get a horse.

J: How about a donkey? My boss rides my ass at work, so why not ride my ass to work?

T: Doctor: “The President is lying on his back.”

The rest of America: “Well, roll him over so he isn’t lying on his ass.”

J: “Put him on the donkey, so he can lie on his ass.”

T: “Put him on the donkey” is … wow. Lemme think.

J: Anyway, I don’t think the shutdown hurts too bad for the first week or so. After that, it’s more of a pain in the, well – the donkey.

T: “Mr. Givens, you’ve been convicted of 12 counts of fraud. I sentence you to … to … no. No. The court has had it with Mr. Givens. Put him on the donkey.”

J: “Bailiff, put Mr. Manafort on the donkey.”

T: “We found Oliver sitting in the street, holding an empty porridge bowl. Should we feed him?”

“What, so we can get every orphan in the city knocking on our door, asking for some more? Put him on the donkey.”

J: Fagin probably liked being on the donkey.

T: “Mr. Johnston is here for his weekly massage, but he is short ten dollars. What do you recommend, Madam?”

“Put him on the donkey.”

J: “Happy endings massage – our donkeys are licensed.”

T: “Madam, the donkey is here for its weekly massage.”

“Put him on Mr. Johnston.”

J: I guess it’s a do-anything line.

T: Well, it doesn’t work for everything.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You can now put him on the donkey.”

J: OK, almost anything.

T: That works. Crap. Try this:

“And the Oscar goes to – Johnny Depp. Put him on the donkey.”

Crap. That works, too.

J: “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, put him on the donkey.”

T: Dammit. It all works!

J: Indeed; I can’t find one that doesn’t.

T: “Will you put me on the donkey?”

“Yes, YES! A thousand times, YES!!!!”

J: I haven’t been able to think of anything where it doesn’t work yet.

T: Weren’t we talking about the shutdown?

“Oh give me land, lots of land under sunny skies above ….”

“Don’t put me on the donkey … ”

J: “This land is your land, this land is my land, down in California, put me on the donkey … ”

T: That’s horrible.

“Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers put him on the donkey”

J: “I come to put Caesar on the donkey, not to praise him.”

T: “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

“Oh, she’s gonna be PISSED”

J: I doubt being on the donkey was one of her favorite things

T: I saw what you did there.

J: “Our Father, who art in heaven, donkey be thy name”

T: “Will thoust scorn thee name?

“Put him on the donkey”

“Thoust?”

“Shut up, Fred, you were born and raised in Gravel Ditch, Arkansas. Why are you talking like a douche?”

“Well, screw you, Mitch. And the donkey you rode in on.”

J: “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks! It is the donkey, and Juliet is on it.”

T: Imagine the smell of its breath. I mean, the donkey would be all, “Hey Julie, bee-hotch, how about a breath mint?”

J: To get on the donkey, or not to get on the donkey. That is the question.”

T: A guy rides into a bar on a donkey. The bartender says, “where’d you get that donkey?” and the donkey says, “I won him in a raffle!”

J: Wait, he was riding a donkey? Or “riding a donkey”?

T: We might need the midget donkey.

J: We have a midget donkey?

T: For the purposes of this bit, yes. Yes, we do have a midget donkey.

J: Midget donkey porn … now those are three words I sure as hell ain’t going to combine in a Google search.

T: hold my beer.

J: Uh oh.

T: That’s the cleanest one. By a lot.

J: That’s already pretty wrong … I can imagine they just get wronger from there.

T: A unicorn-riding midget in a bikini with a light saber. Every nerd’s dream.

Whatever you do, don’t touch the horn without gloves on. And wear a condom.

J: Painful to imagine.

T: It is.
So, shutdown?

J: So, about that government shutdown: I don’t think it’ll matter for the first few days. After that, though, people will start getting pissed.

T: Did I tell you to give me a serious answer?

We’re gonna have to put you on the donkey.

J: “I’m sorry, but your performance appraisal was very poor. We’re going to have to put you on the donkey.”

Frank: “Put him on the donkey.”

Phil: “We don’t have a donkey.”

Frank: “Well, then just slap him around a little and stick his head in the toilet.”

Phil: “We really need to get a donkey.”

J: “What’s this requisition for a donkey?”

T: “And why does it smell like Phil’s fingers and toilet water?”

J: EW.

T: You do not want to see the next scene in this movie.

J: “put him on the elephant” just doesn’t have the same ring

T: Not really. “Stick her in the trunk” has possibilities. Problem is, most of them result in some poor girl wiping herself softly with a warm cloth for the rest of her life.

Or the mob burying her in a shallow grave in New Jersey. Which, of course, can’t happen right now because the trains aren’t running.

J: Get a horse.

“Sir, when was the last time you, in fact, did horse?”

“Did horse?”

“We have an andidote for that. Boys, get this man some methadone.”

“Or did a horse?”

“We have an antidote for that, too. Boys, put him on the donkey.”

J: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Get on the donkey.”

T: “I will not get in that gas oven, on the grounds that it may incinerate me.”

J: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t have a donkey.”

T: “Scarlet, my dear, get on the donkey”

J: “Mr. DeMille, the donkey is ready for his closeup!”

T: “I don’t know nothin’ bout gettin’ on no donkeys!”

J: “We don’ NEEEEEED no STEEEEENKIN’ donkeys!”

T: Arnold: “I’ll be on my donkey”

J: “Here’s looking at you, donkey.”

T: “You can’t handle my donkey!”

J: “Open the donkey doors, Hal.”

T: “Get on the donkey

Bang a donkey

Get on the donkey” –  Robert Palmer

J: “I don’t wanna work, I just wanna bang on the donkey all day” – Todd Rundgren

T: “Get on the donkey, Potsi” – Arthur Fonzarelli

J: The Happy Days writers missed that chance.

T: “Joani loves Donkey”

J: The Donkey Van Dyke show. The Big Bang Donkey

J: Now is the time for all good men to come to the service of their donkey

J: I regret that I have but one life to give for my donkey

T: “Remember the good times we had, when I used to get on the donkey and wiggle?” – Airplane

J: The classic song by Them… “D-O-N-K-E-Y”

T: That’s terrible. Get on the donkey.