Barstool Politickin'

Slack Chat: Will He Go to Jared?

J: Hey T, did you see this?

Prosecutors are reportedly seeking Kushner records from Deutsche Bank

Federal prosecutors are seeking information about Trump senior advisor Jared Kushner’s real estate business, according to The New York Times.

T: I almost sent that to you this morning; What’s your take?

J: They’re following the money. There are a couple of different possible angles; the more likely one is misuse of the visa program, but I wouldn’t rule out looking for evidence for money laundering.

T: Money laundering is all over this mess. Trump isn’t a political animal, but he’s a financial opportunist of the worst kind. I’ve always maintained that he was basically honest, but in that weasely way, where you know you can’t arrest him but really want him to leave town.

J: In the Old West he’d have been run out of town just ahead of the posse a couple of times by now.

T: I’ve used the old-West trump analogy a few times. Do you remember who I compare him to, besides the south end of a north-bound horse?

J: You generally compare him to the corrupt land baron villain of the piece… which fits, since he is a corrupt land baron.

T: Yes. He’s Hedy Lamarr.

Except not as diabolical, cultured or intelligent.

J: Or as funny.

T: He’s sort of a cross between Hedley Lamarr and Mongo.

J: Trump just pawn.

In game of life.

T: Trump is about as far from a pawn as it gets. He’s a tool; sometimes he’s a screwdriver, sometimes a monkey wrench, and sometimes a stupid salad shooter and nobody knows why it made so much fucking money … but a tool.

J: He could be a garden ho, but … has he ever been in a garden?

T: He sure as hell ain’t eating a lot of apples from the tree of knowledge.

J: Or staying in a Holiday Inn Express.

T: I’m surprised he didn’t invent the K-Tel Ho-Tel.

J: The Ronco, um … ok, you got me. This time.

Oh wait! The  Ronc-

T: Bzzzt! Too late.

So do you think Mueller indicts Kushner? Would Jared be in chains already without his father-in-law?

J: Well, if you’re going after the President’s family, you better be able to make it stick.

T: If Mueller is going to indict anyone from the Trump family, he’s most likely going to have to indict Trump himself. Right?

J: I think that is the endgame, to get an indictment on Trump. Mueller is going about his case like a man building a pyramid.

T: I don’t see how Trump insulated himself properly. He’s been talking about the Russians since the beginning; he ain’t hiding his love of mother Russia, so to speak. If there’s a trail, it didn’t end ten feet from his door.

J: I don’t think he ever in a million years thought that Flynn’s involvement would become public. I’m sure he didn’t know about the FISA act or FISA courts.

T: What should we call this slack? “He went to Jared”?

J: Something like that.

T: “It’s Christmas, so of course he went to Jared”

J: “Mueller went to Jared”

T: There you go.

“It’s Christmas, so Mueller went to Jared”

J: Of course he did.

T: Going back – waaaaay back, since you mention it – why do you think Flynn got fired? I don’t mean the obvious, but why do you think Trump stamped it?

J: I think he got fired because he was so obviously compromised… and the fact that it took two weeks after hitting the papers to actually fire him doesn’t reflect well on the Cheeto Fuhrer.

T: The Cheeto Fuhrer – the worst commercial product mascot since that cranky crab the San Francisco Giants used for a while – until the guy in the costume quit because he was afraid somebody was going to fucking shoot him.

J: Ich bin der Anführer der Käse Puffs!

T: That’s frightening and hilarious, in a “honey, the cat just leaped into the wood chipper” sort of way.

J: The cat just …. What?

T: She must of thought it was a bird feeder or something.

J: I’m not cleaning that up.

T: I don’t mind, I’ll just hose it down and let the dog take care of the bigger pieces.

J: Can we get back to, um – what were we talking about?

T: Trump firing Flynn. Trump has steadfastly refused to acknowledge any fact that he didn’t like. Why did he acknowledge Flynn’s act in the first place?

J: Maybe he got distracted by the dog puking up sawdust and cat fur.

T: My theory is that Trump was pissed that they made him fire Flynn, and that he pretty much decided, then and there, that nobody was going to bully him into admitting anything, ever again.

J: I think he acknowledged it because he had to, not because he wanted to. At that time, we hadn’t seen the Trump tendency to simply not acknowledge reality when it conflicted with what he wanted.

I think someone, maybe Sessions, went to him and said, “You simply have to fire him. People are thinking he’s a goddam Russian mole, and he’s your national security advisor. Not firing him will probably get you impeached for not acting in the country’s best interests.”

So Trump went along… but he hated it, and as you said, probably decided not to be bullied again.

T: In hindsight, if Trump (1) keeps Flynn and (2) doesn’t fire Comey, do you think there is an investigation?

J: As I said, I think he had to fire Flynn. I do think that firing Comey lit the fuse on the investigation, though. If there was one event that brought us to where we are today, that was it. All the Russian campaign stuff could’ve been explained away or denied or just left for people to forget about. Once he fired Comey, though, the ball was set in motion.

T: Well, how many things has he not done that he had to do since then? Dozens of things? Hundreds of things? He’s suspended every ethical duty of his office, choosing to do whatever he wanted to do over what he “had” to do, over and over.

I bet Trump regrets firing Flynn to this day, and he doesn’t regret firing Comey a bit. Of course, none of that has a thing to do with what we are talking about. We are talking about reality, something Trump only deals with when it includes his daddy giving him a shitload of money or bailing him out of trouble by … well, giving him a shitload of money.

J: I’m sure you’re right; Trump only regrets things that he thinks cast him in a bad light. He thinks that firing Comey was a principled act, when it’s obvious to everyone who doesn’t live in the Trumpworld bubble that he did it to derail the Flynn investigation.

T: Well, I’d simplify it even further than that. Trump sees everything in terms of wins and losses – dick-hardening wins and dick-softening losses. He’ll lose the occasional battle – he lost for years, trying to get television to accept him by letting guys like David Letterman make fun of him – but he’ll never admit defeat if it means he lost a war.

When Obama made fun of him in 2011, it was the last straw. Trump went feral, like a cat that –

J: Really? Another cat?

T: In a way, this is all Letterman’s fault for fucking with him so much.

J: Damn you, Letterman.

But yeah, Trump does see everything in terms of winning and losing. Everything is a zero-sum game for him; that’s why he’s so bad at compromise and tends to get sued a lot.

T:In a perverse way, he’s fascinating because there is so little to him. It’s possible to fully understand his motives, so we are forever tempted to try.

J:There really isn’t any deviousness or subtlety to him. He’s almost incapable of it. He just wants what he wants, and he will try to run over any obstacle that stands between him and whatever goal he has.

T:He’s like he’s a 2-year-old, knocking his little sister on her ass because he wants the toy she’s playing with. He’s about as diabolical as a cat chasing a –

J: Really?

T: Sorry. He’s about as diabolical as monkey peeling a banana. He just wants the banana. He don’t mean that peel no bad feelings.

J: That’s a good simile (the little-sister one, not the banana peel one. The banana peel one is just awful.). Trump is supremely selfish, as well as a supreme narcissist. It’s a bad combination for a President; you have to be able to compromise sometimes, and not everything is a dick-measuring contest.

T: Trump isn’t a narcissist. He’s a mental toddler.

He’s a fully grown man, 70-years-old, but his brain is that of a child, knocking his sister over because he wants her juice box. He wants America’s juice box now. so guess what we are?

J: Cats?

T: Well played, Catman.

J: Turn that wood chipper off.

T: He doesn’t even see us here, 320 million people he just knocked over. All he can see is the juice box.

J: He could be both. A classic case of arrested development.

T: Both? A cat and a –

J: No, a narcissist and a mental toddler.

T: Yaknow, I think the public perceives toddlers as innocent, because they don’t say fuck all the time or rape hookers, but toddlers are pure selfish evil, only controlled by the fact that they are two feet tall and everybody they know can kick their ass.

J: Trump doesn’t have those controls.

T: It’s funny. We think of children as cute and innocent, and we raise them in fear that they will turn evil later. The truth is that all children are born as purely evil beings, their hearts so black and obsessively selfish that parents have to train as much of that evil out as they can, before the little devils get old enough and big enough that they can no longer control them. Sure, they are cute. So are pumas.

This is why we have such negative opinions of teenagers. They are actually far better people than their younger siblings – further along, more civilized – but they can’t be controlled, so we think of them as monsters.

We raise our kid backwards, don’t we?

J: We basically have to train human nature out of them, or at least train them to control their impulses. It’s always been hard, and it’s harder now with social media egging them on to do things that our parents would have killed us for when we were 14.

T: We used to do that, didn’t we? The old saw about sparing the rod … we raise our kids backwards, and it might be the death of the human race.

By raising kids as if they are innocent, we get it backwards at both ends. We refuse to let any of them die when most of them would, left to their own destinies. We refuse to properly punish them when they are young, instilling a false sense of security in their evil selfishness. To cap it off, we refuse to fail them when they fail, leaving them with little incentive to succeed.

J: I got the hell trained out of me when I was growing up… you can’t do that these days, they’d take your kids from you. Not that that’s necessarily bad, but it does make for teenagers that are much harder to control than we were. Hell, to control us all you needed was a pizza, a six-pack of Pepsi and a deck of pinochle cards. You wouldn’t see that today.

T: The problem with corporal punishment was never about the punishment itself, but the anger and hatred – the resentment – that led to abuses. We took the rod from the good parents because of the bad parents, leaving us with – for all intents and purposes – no parents.

J: Kids today feel entitled to things… iPhones and Xboxes and things like that are, in their minds, God-given rights and if you mess with that you are a Bad Parent™ and get publicly shamed by your kids. The whole balance of power in the parent-child relationship has shifted in the kids’ favor.

T: If we raised kids by openly acknowledging that they are evil little fucks from the start, we could build a successful model. Start by teaching them hard sense, common sense, with the stated, overt goal of making them not evil. They can know, from an early age, that it is their job to stop being evil. As they grow and learn to be less evil, each step forward would be accompanied by a step toward the freedom that only civilized people are allowed.

Don’t let the little bastards out of the barrel until they know how to act like civilized human beings.

What do you think? Or we can just drown the fuckers.

J: I still think Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” has some merit.

T: I haven’t read that – gimme a sec to go Wikipedia it.

Oh … oh.

I’m not the only one who has a use for the wood chipper.

J: Irish stew never tasted so fresh.

T: We should probably go back to Jared.

J: Yes.

T: Now that we’ve arrived at kill the little bastards and eat them, it’s probably time to move on.

J: Eat the rich.

T: Eat the Richie Rich.

J: Eat Nicole Richie.

T: Is Nicole Ritchie gluten free?

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