Slack Chat: Wisconsin Pizza with Extra Cheese

J: Hey T, did you hear about Ryan?

Paul Ryan won’t seek re-election

T: I did … I suppose that’s pretty big. LIke “The GOP is punting the House in 2018” big.

J: Like “rats abandoning sinking ship” big.

T: It could be really good, or really bad … but I doubt Ryan is smart enough to know.

J: On balance, it’s bad for the GOP; Ryan is their best fundraiser. No one else is anywhere close.

T:  What’s his long game? Does he come back after Trump is gone and run for President?

J: I wouldn’t be surprised. He’ll be 54 in 2024, plenty young to make a run.

T: With Trump asking for troops at the border and threatening Putin, I doubt anyone should be taking a long view around here … He must believe someone from the right would knock him off his perch. Who is running against him?

J: He was in good shape in his own district, he was up 20+ over the Democratic candidate, but he has no appetite to be minority leader. And that’s what he’s looking at; it very well could be McConnell’s fate, too.

T: I would prefer McConnell be butt raped at the crossroads, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

J: Well, yeah, but we don’t normally butt rape people who lose political power in America.

T: I don’t suppose that ceremony would be well attended, anyway.

J: Not if McConnell is the male lead. Or the female lead, I guess, in this scenario.

T: I’m ok with Ryan, to be honest. I don’t think he’s all that smart, but I think he’s honest. Honest for a pol, I mean. He’ll ignore the carnage going on in the next room, but he won’t steal the spoons. McConnell would steal your furniture and bill you for the truck.

J: I never really thought of Ryan as a brilliant politician; he was a policy wonk and good at whipping votes, but he never really seemed to have his heart in the job.

T: He got in on his looks and his family man persona, I think.

J: Everything I’ve seen about his ascension to the Speakership indicated that he didn’t want it, and they basically forced it on him.

T: To me, he’s one of those “company man” types, a solid administrator who won’t fill his trunk with office supplies. I hope he has a conscious, but even if he does, the time to exercise it is NOW, not in a year. Trump has never been more dangerous than he is right now.

J: That’s probably a fair assessment. And you’re also right that now would be the time, since he doesn’t really have anything to lose, to disavow Trump and everything Trump stands for. Not in a year, not in six months. He should do it now while Mueller still has a job and there are still at least some people of conscience working at the FBI.

T: Boehner was just interviewed; I wonder what he thinks. Maybe we can get him stoned and he’ll talk.

J: He might have been stoned already. I thought that was pretty hilarious that he went on the board of the pot company, but the trend is definitely towards legalization so he might just be a forward thinker.

T: Him and Dole can double date – he brings the smoke and Dole brings the Cialis.

So with Ryan out, can the Democrat win? I hear he’s a blue-collar union guy, like the guy in Pennsylvania was.

J: The guy’s nickname is “Iron Stache.”

He was an ironworker and he has a big mustache.

T: They must have spent weeks developing that nickname.

J: Sometimes you have to suffer for your art.

T: So he’s Rip Taylor with a union card?

J: I think he has a realistic chance without Ryan in the race; they GOP is going to really have to scramble to get a non-Nazi candidate in the race.

T: Do they have any? The GOP voters are still mostly normal human beings. It’s their mouthpieces that are all batshit crazy.

J: I’m sure they’ll scare someone up, but Iron Stache has a big jump in name recognition and fundraising, so he’s going to be a formidable opponent.

T: Well, he doesn’t have any name recognition here; neither one of us knows his name.

(long delay while John pretends he’s not looking it up)

J: it’s Byers or Bryant or something. I was in the bathroom, get off me.

T: Close enough. Iron Stache Bryant.

J: Randy Bryce. NOW I looked it up.

T: Randy Bryce? Nobody’s going to vote for a guy with a big mustache named Randy. He sounds like somebody who should be delivering pizzas in Van Nuys.

J: That would actually be a pretty legendary porn stage name.

T: Is there a senior porn tour?

J: Yes. And no, I’m not posting any photos.