Slack Chat: Shave and a Johnson Cut

T: Hey J, did you get to Barnes &Noble yet?
J: Not yet, probably tomorrow.
T: I can’t imagine you out there slogging through the Black Friday crowds, but you are married.
J: I’m just married, not stupid.
T: I’ve been home, hiding under the bed all day.
I owe you 24 bucks, by the way, from the NASCAR pool.
J: How do you figure that?
T: You won two of the 36 weeks.
J: But I finished last, didn’t I?
T: Yeah, but you did win two of the weekly contests.
J: Well, bully for that, I guess.
T: Your obsession with Juniors and Johnsons was your downfall. Last year you had Dale Jr., and this year you had Stenhouse Jr. And both years you had the fossilized remains of Jimmy Johnson.
J: Are you saying my Johnson is too old?
T: “Your obsession with Juniors and Johnsons was your downfall, Professor Moriarty.”
J: That’s the whole problem with the Catholic Church, an obsession with Juniors and Johnsons. And junior johnsons.
T: Junior Johnson was a NASCAR racer. And probably the pet name for about 15 percent of Catholic pages.
T: “Bring Junior here, we’re gonna take a little off the top of Junior’s Johnson.”
That’s what they say now at circumcisions.
T: A priest walks into a bar:
  • Bartender: “What is your favorite Bob Seger song?”
  • Priest: “Turn the Page.”
  • Bartender: “What is your favorite Sex Pistols song?”
  • Priest: “I want to poke that little boy right there in the butt.”
  • Bartender: “That’s not a real song, you spermicidal defect.”
  • Priest: “Who said anything about a song? Is your assistant seeing anyone?”
  • Bartender: “That’s my son. I’m calling the police.”
  • Priest: “I kind of like Roxanne, I guess.”

J: I have no words.

T: Be careful when you order the sampler plate anywhere near a church with one of those giant “no condoms” signs out front.
J: A no-condoms sign?
J: Oh, one of those.
T: ™
J: I don’t think you can trademark that.
J: “Well, here’s little Timmy, he’s a curious boy.”
Ok, one more:
J: I remember those, they were pretty good. What about “no reality show faux-celebrities?”
T: I don’t know how to superimpose a Kardashian over that thing.
J: For a minute I thought that said “Cooters,” and I was wondering what you had against minor “Dukes of Hazzard” characters.
J: Jesse is totally stoned in that picture.
J: get it?
That’s Ry Cooder. And you spelled Coltrane’s name wrong, you tosser.
J: Nobody’s going to get that.
Here’s Coltrane.
J: Burma Shave.
T: And a haircut …
J: Ten bucks!

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