S**t we wish we had said (or are glad we didn’t)
“The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t.” —Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist
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“In a recent fire Bob Dole’s library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.” —Jack Kemp
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“If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream.” —Barry Goldwater
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“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” – Hunter S. Thompson
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“It’s so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.” – Bob Hope
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“Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?” – Johnny Carson
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“The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan.'” –Bart Simpson chalkboard punishment
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“New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, kidnaps white woman.'” –Bill Maher
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“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” – Ronald Reagan
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”We know there are known knowns: there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns: that is to say we know there are things we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” – Donald Rumsfeld
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”Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” – Dan Quayle
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“Only dead fish go with the flow.” – Sarah Palin
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”Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.” – Gerald Ford
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”I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
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”Go fuck yourself.” – Dick Cheney
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”Outside of the killings, Washington (D.C.) has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Marion Barry
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“You find a Democrat that’s for cutting taxes … I’ll give them a warm kiss.” – Jeb Bush
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“I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.” – Jon Stewart
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George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.” –Rick Perry
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“I think that the Earth’s immune system is trying to get rid of us.” – Kurt Vonnegut
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“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” –Winston Churchill
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“Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I wouldn’t want to wake up next to a lady pipefitter.” –Richard Nixon
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“When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.” –Bill Clinton
”Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point.” —Barack Obama
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—H.L MENCKEN SECTION —
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
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Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
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The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
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The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.
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An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
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Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
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In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
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What men value in this world is not rights but privileges.
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God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
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Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
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Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
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Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
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If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
